How To Support Your Children When Separating From Your Partner

If you are currently going through the process of separating from your partner, you may be worried about the impact this will have on your children. 

In fact, a recent study found that this is often one of the main reasons why people remain in an unhappy marriage – with parents staying together, on average, five and half years longer than they would have if they were childless.

However, while divorce or separation can be hard on children, the chances are you are not doing them any favors by staying together. After all, this often means that they’ll witness an increase in arguments within the home. In addition to this, you will not be setting the best example for them when it comes to seeking out happiness. 

Furthermore, there are plenty of steps that you can take to support your children when parting ways with your partner. 

Deal with the formalities BEFORE involving them in the conversation.

Whether you are choosing to separate from or divorce your partner, it is important that you deal with the formalities of this decision before you involve your children in the conversation. This way, you’ll be better prepared to answer any of their questions, especially those relating to what this means for your family moving forward. For example, you should have a rough idea of what your custody arrangement will be ahead of time so that you can suitably prepare your child for these shifts in their routine and lifestyle. 

Keep the conversation age-appropriate.

Divorce is something that many adults struggle to wrap their heads around, so you can imagine the difficulties of understanding the concept as a child. This means that you may need to tailor the conversation somewhat to the age of your child. For example, you’ll need to find ways to breach the topic in a way that they’re able to understand or digest. For smaller children, you may benefit from reading stories and picture books about divorce together. 

You should also make it clear that they are free to ask as many questions as they like during this time. This way, you can ensure their worries and concerns are addressed as quickly as possible. 

During the initial conversation and any chats that you have about this moving forward, be sure to reassure your children that while things are changing, both parents love them very much. Let them know that you will both be there for them no matter what they need and that you are going to work together to make this process as easy as possible for everyone involved. 

Encourage them to talk about their emotions.

Encouraging your children to talk openly and freely about their feelings is not only a great way to raise emotionally intelligent kids, but it can also make difficult experiences, such as parental divorce, much easier to handle. This is because it enables them to work through complex feelings and thoughts with their support network, as opposed to suffering in silence. It also means that you are more aware of their inner thoughts and able to offer the level of support they need and require during this time.

If they are struggling to reign in their emotions, you may want to consider looking into local counseling services. This will help them not only to discuss their feelings a little more freely, but their therapist will also be able to help them develop a range of useful coping skills and mechanisms to guide them through this difficult time in their life. 

On a similar note, while you may not want for your children to see you upset or angry, remember that it’s okay to show emotion. If you are behaving in a way that feels cold or closed off, this could leave your children feeling as though they must respond in a similar manner. 

Expect some changes in behavior.

Children find it harder than adults to regulate their emotions. This means that feelings of anger, sadness, and confusion can manifest into negative behaviors, with a recent study finding that children who are experiencing divorce “appear more irritable, demanding and non-compliant.” As such, you should not only expect some behavioral challenges during this time, reminding yourself that their behavior is not borne from a desire to act out but rather to regulate their emotions or express their frustration. 

While you should not allow them to act in a way that is harmful to themselves and others, you should avoid being overly harsh in your response to this. Instead of scolding them, try to sit down and ask them about why they may be acting in a certain way and what you can do to make them feel better.

You should also have a quick conversation with their teachers to let them know what is happening at home. This means that they, too, are prepared for changes to your child’s behavior and academic performance and can take this into account when interacting with them moving forward.

Try to spend time together as a family unit.

In an ideal world, you’ll be able to put your differences with your partner aside and continue to spend time together as a family where appropriate. For example, this could mean that you come together to celebrate special occasions, such as your child’s birthday. 

While this may seem difficult to begin with, it can help you to form a stronger co-parenting relationship with your ex, which will only serve to benefit everyone involved moving forward. For example, it means that you are much more likely to be kind and considerate with each other, avoiding placing the blame or getting children to take sides, something which happens frequently during a familial divorce. 

Avoid talking negatively about your partner in front of your children.

When you are going through a separation and divorce, it’s normal to harbor a lot of negative feelings about the situation, even if you ended on good terms. While this is something that you should talk about in order to be able to process your feelings and move on, it’s not a conversation that should happen with or within earshot of your children.

After all, this can drastically alter their perception of yourself and your partner, making the next few months more confusing than they already are. It may also leave them feeling as though they have to take sides, which is never a great thing. As such, you should ensure that you have these conversations with your friends and loved ones when your children are not around. 

On a similar note, you should also try to avoid arguing with your partner in front of your children for the same reasons outlined above. This is particularly important when you consider the fact that various studies have found that watching their parents argue can trigger high levels of stress and anxiety among children. 

If you feel as though tensions are rising, try to take a step back from the conversation and pick things up again when you are calmer and the children are no longer around. 

Final thoughts.

Seeing your parents get divorced can be stressful at any age. However, it is better for yourself and your partner to part ways than staying in an unhappy relationship. After all, this sets a better example for your children while ensuring they grow up in a happy home environment. 

Furthermore, there are plenty of steps you can take to make this difficult time a little easier on your children, from counseling services to working together to co-parent effectively.